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IP: Netrape Screwlootions begins operations under US Government
From: Dave Farber <farber () cis upenn edu>
Date: Fri, 30 Jan 1998 20:56:56 -0500
Date: Fri, 30 Jan 1998 13:06:39 -0800 From: John Gilmore <gnu () toad com> In response to the publication of the US Government's plan to provide long-term stable operation of the Internet domain name system, we have an announcement. Today we are forming a new company, Netrape Screwlootions, Inc. We claim the domain names ".net", ".rape", ".screw", ".lootions", and ".inc", but will settle for ".screw" in the short term. We have a climate-controlled 24-hour operation center deep in the bowels of the earth, with plenty of spare energy. Though there are no ethical standards required for assignment of a government-controlled domain name, we assure you that we meet the highest ethical standards for the lowest place. We have extensive connections in all parts of the Government, especially the White House, which will guarantee our rightful place in the selection of appropriate organizations to manage the transition from public service to throttled competition and then to the heavenly free Internet envisioned by the plan. We meet all the necessary requirements. Everyone is welcome, and we are open 24 hours a day and 365 days a year. We have standardized on high-quality Lucifer encryption for all our accesses. We have multiple high-speed connections to the upper world, and we daily make an archive of all our customers so that they can be resuscitated for continuing operations if they are accidentally destroyed. Our searchable database of customers is maintained by the Perl-y Gates himself. The first one is always free with us, including our software. Our number of global zones of service is completely adequate, providing non-denominational worldwide access to our facilities. Our management policies have been reviewed by the very highest authorities. We assure you that our technical staff is very expert in its machinations, and we offer them constant practice to refine their skills. We have created alternate dispute resolution for trademark-related complaints. This process does not involve the time, expense, and pain of litigation. Instead, our process involves sending trademark lawyers and domain scammers to the deepest part of our operations center, where their thresholds will be studied by the application of delicate instruments that have taken centuries to perfect. The party who screams the loudest will prevail, as usual. Innocent domain users would be inconvenienced by the use of this procedure, but we do not expect any innocent users to actually register domain names. Both sides in the trademark debate assure us that all domain names infringe trademarks and that all trademark owners are slavering monsters. Our level of security is the best. No-one gets past the guards who protect our portals, and we have been in operation for millennia. No malicious hacker has ever escaped us in the long term. We definitely provide a "hot switchover" capability. We have extensive experience with fires, earthquakes, tornadoes, arson, bombs, and other acts of God and War. It is often said that one's soul is visible in one's face, and what else could be called the public face of a company but its name? Your name will be safe with us. Our prices are quite low, certainly no more than the price of a small mass of pottage. We will be glad to register your ...name with us, and when the appropriate time comes, you will then know our true prices. We are looking forward to it. Moo-haa-haaaaaaaaaa.......
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- IP: Netrape Screwlootions begins operations under US Government Dave Farber (Jan 30)