FC: A Savage plan for a gentle America: New York Mean Time

[Declan McCullagh <declan () well com>]

---
[satire]


http://www.madcowculture.com/madcow-00100.html

A Savage Plan for a Gentle America: New York Mean Time
September 5, 2002


The popular radio talk show, the Savage Nation, has proposed that it is not
enough for the US to squander most of the earth's resources, bully the rest
of the world, and invade any country that disagrees with it. A superpower
should actually be the center of the universe.

Even the Savage Nation would not recommend we turn Newtonian physics on its
head and put the earth at the center of the solar system. Even right wing
talk radio wouldn't go that far. But host Michael Savage does recommend
that, given the power, money, and supremacy of the US, we need another
concept of time that celebrates American dominance.

Savage argues that it makes sense that America should bring sense and order
to time, the most metaphysical of notions. When the world was
Christ-centric, the calendar started with the birth of Christ.  This was
all very good while Christianity was in flower. But even then, Moslem,
Hebrews, Chinese, and Buddhists were following different calendars The
Moslem calendar begins in 622 with the flight of Muhammad from Mecca to
Medina and this is the beginning of the age of Hizdra for Moslems. Emperor
Constantine pronounced that the world began in 5508 BC and that is good
enough for the Greek Orthodox Church which follows that calendar.

For Savage all this is mumbo jumbo, relative, and confusing. "Wars have
been fought over religious calendars and millions of people have been
killed. We need a bona fide secular calendar, devoid of all religious
impulses. We need to bring an antiquated world into real time. We need to
bury much of the chronological past that really is no more than a
celebration of mayhem. We need modern measures and tools. We need a concept
of time that is no longer subjective. We need an American time. After all,
America is the center of the universe. We hold the power.  Why not put the
world on the American clock."

Savage does not suggest we rewrite history as we invent new timepieces. On
the contrary, he suggests we "by and large ignore history, especially
involving the effeminate French and English kings. Keep Shakespeare and a
few noisy Germany composers but the rest should go in the box with old
Swiss watches."

For all the hyperbole this is offered as a serious proposal. The first
suggestion is to change the Prime Meridian. "After all", Savage asks, "why
should Greenwich, England any longer be the prime meridian. That was ok as
long as England was a global power and the sun never set on the British
Empire. Now it never even comes up in Greenwich.

"I recommend that the Prime Meridian be moved to New York. Let's put it
right down the middle of Ground Zero so all our enemies will know where our
time begins. Instead of a polite English voice announcing the hour, we will
use voices of the survivors of the terrorist attack. And every year, on the
precise anniversary of the attack, we will stop time for a few minutes to
honor the dead and force the whole world to mourn with us, whether they
like it or not.

"Sure the cartographers will be busy drawing new maps which, to emphasize
our relative power, will show the US in the center of the chart and the
other countries, especially those where Muslims and other terrorists live,
appropriately small. Countries belonging to the Axis of Evil will be
colored Black, while the America will be colored Green and White,
symbolizing our hope and optimism. We will leave out countries we don't
recognize or those that annoy us. If countries are not on the map, their
representatives will not be allowed to attend United Nations functions in
New York. No country, no visa, no speeches. This will keep a lot of
freeloaders, who park illegally, out of the US."

According to Savage, other activities will naturally follow. "American Time
(AT) will begin September 11, 2001. Everything before that will be
considered Before American Time (BAT). American Time will start with Year
One. There will be no zero as that is negative and America should not
associate itself with the term. Before American Time will extend to 1776,
the start of the American experience. American textbooks should not find it
necessary to deal with events before this date.

"America should not give aid to countries that do not accept the concept of
American Time. This includes Israel. Evangelical Americans should not have
difficult with this idea as it is generally recognized that god created
America and has a covenant with this great nation. America will still be a
place of religious tolerance as long as the various sects throw out their
dangerous and musty religious calendars and accept this country as the
center of the universe."

Savage realizes there is considerable subtlety to establishing a New World
order of American Time. He notes that "any changes must include changes in
how time is perceived; that is the psychology of time. In order for the
rest of the world to think like us, they have to be on our clock and our
time. In other words we want the world awake when we are awake, and sleep
when we are asleep. Obviously, this arrangement will require some
adjustments in sleeping habits but world peace is well worth this effort
and deprivation.  It is important that we are able to keep an eye on these
people.

"We are particularly interested in the rest of the world, including
Europeans, getting on our work schedule. This means they will have to get
used to longer working days and fewer vacations. If Europe doesn't like it,
we will import Disneyworld to the entire European Union."


"America has the technology and know-how to actually intervene in Nature.
Scientists are actually examining ways to slow down the earth's rotation
around the sun, this giving the US the option of creating longer working
days or shorter winters. We will probably be able to stop the sun over
certain countries-such as Iraqand raise the ambient temperature to 150F,
which is even too for desert rats. That will take the mustard out of the
Elite Republican Guard.

President Bush is scheduled to address the nation shortly about rewriting
American time, history, and ontology.

The idea came to him while on holiday in Texas.

###



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